MULTO

 WHAT IF ?

All my life, all I do is regret. Often I do, regretting things. What if? Its always been in my mind. Never it leaves a second. The second I did embarrassing thing, the next thing that come will always be. Why? What if I didnt do that ?

And, multo.

Its brings me back

To the day that haunted me forever.

That taken my life to a pathway that I never wish to have.

To a way that I wish I never take.

To the life that I dont know anymore where to lead me.

To a life that brings me 101 reasons to stay regretting the decisions I made.

What if? 

What if I was brave enough to stick with my own decision?

What if I decided to go?

What if I wasnt dumb enough to let others say my way?

What if I wasnt dumb enough to let my feelings decided for me?

What if life is actually better if I go that way?

What if this way that I choose is actually the wrong?

What if that way is actually is the ACTUAL way ?

At the end of the day, moving on is the only way.

Regretting wont bring me anywhere even do yes, I will not ever stop regretting.

The only thing I can do now is, try to move and do my very best. 

Even I often fell, that I always doesnt want to get up.

That I often want to stay asleep that I dont want to remain awake. 

I hope the ending of this will brings me to the things I dream of the most.

Hindi pa ba sapat pagpapahirap sa ′kin? (Damdamin ko)

Hindi na ba ma-mamayapa

Hindi na ba ma-mamamayapa

 FOREVER A LOVER GIRL

Growing up I knew that beauty is not up in my expectations. I am never pretty enough. The beauty standards hit me since day one I live in this world. I never genuinely feel I am pretty. I never brave enough to take a selfie of myself back then, until I found filters and makeups. But still, it never cover anything. I am still not pretty enough.

I am a person who love truly when I am in love. But I never put myself lower than anything. I always prioritise myself first and will not make the feelings drove me away. But everytime I am in love, the person I am in love with will always ended up is somene else`s, never notice me, never sees me. But I am totally okay with it since my goals in life is to be an independent women and married or dating is never on my list. But sometimes it does hit me. I start questioning myself back, is it because I am not pretty enough? Am I never allowed to be in love ? Is love forever is not for me? Everytime I found out someone I like, love someone else, it always turns out their love is so much prettier than me. 

It is totally fine. I am okay. I never want mens to lead me in life. I dont want men to be the reason I cant catch my dream. I never trust men anyways. I dont love commitments in relationship. Relationship as a lover is total full commitment and I cant afford anything related to it. I just want to live my life independently without help of any men. I dont want love to help me lead my life.

But feelings cant be keep hidden, I cant lie to myself. I am a lover girl. Truly in love when I am, truly love when I can. But everytime I open my heart, its always the wrong one. I dont know why is it always like this. Maybe its from the dua that I prayed myself. That I doesnt want to get married. 

I need to stop.

To stop be in love. To stop open my heart for just anyone else and for someone who never for me. 

I need to accept that, love is never for me. I will always just be a lover girl. Never someone else love, and never be in love.

I will become succesfull, fulfill all my moms dream, all my unrequited dreams and find someone who truly love me in the akhirah. I will just accept that no one ever gonna be for me and I am too, never enough for anyone.

To everyone that I gave my heart to, haha. I wish you live happily with your true love. Never a thank you, because you left a mark that never gonna heal so all I could say it to pray you a great life. Pray for me well too. 

I am a lover girl, but never gonna let it eat me. I am gonna live with this tittle, I w ill continue to love  and be in love. But never for just any guys anyomore. I am gonna love for myself, for my own mental health and happiness.

To lover girl, stop chasing and be happy on your own. You deserved so much more <3 

 WHAT MAKES LIVING WORTH IT

Living is something that everyone look forward to. Life must be exciting , tiring, awkward, happy and many more but after all hardships they went through, at the end of the day they find that living is worth it. To have a big reason to live a life is really important. Honestly for me these days since last year, oh no-- since I was a kid, living is something I dont look forward to have. I do something exciting, something great happen to me, then I realised I dont deserve to be this happy as they will always be unfortunate thing that will happen. But I must keep going with life. Its not that I want, but I just have to. A big reason for me to keep living is just to make my parents happy and working on to make something they proud of. Honestly, thats not a big reason. Its just a reason. The only thing that keep me going is a new episode of drama on the weekend( on going ). I told myself, I must live atleast through this week so I can watch another episode. Funny how a drama will always ended with a cliffhanger ending on every episode. So, we will keep going to live just to watch more. But honestly, thats not a reason. Thats just an excuse. I trick myself to keep going. "Oh, what if the ending is great?" then there must be a chance for me to have a great life too right? Something exciting happpen and I start to think , "Wah, life is so nice to live again." Then again, bad things happen and this time, its just wont stop. I am too tired to move on again. Cant I just stay in shadow and forget by people easily? I wish life is so much better. I wish I dont live with this mind. But, like I said its not like I have a choice. To find something to make living worth it is really not easy. You have too. Find something for you to live for. Just for another day. Maybe there something beautiful at the end of all of this. 

Just, dont be the reason people lose their reason. Its really not easy to keep living and find a reason to do so. The least you could do is think, before you act. Think before you say. You never know how a word, can turn a shining bright live to a shadow walking with no feelings.

Life. Is it trully worth living for? Keep the thoughts. 

Wish everyone to live a great life and always walk on flowery path. Not like this life of mine.

Love,

cherry g

 THE LOST CHERRY BLOOSOM

It was always the biggest goal.

To achieve something that she really wanted.

For once and for all, it is her biggest dream.

Its the first time in life, where she had dream to pursue. 

To have something to look forward in life. To live a dream.

She never had big goals. To live the next day even, she does not.

But finally, that goal possessing her life greater.

No one was there. No one was supporting.

But she know, she must catch that.

Before it stopped bloom.

Before the tree lost its leaves.

Before the skies turns dark and

before the weather start cold.

But she held back.

She failed.

She didnt stop there. It still here.

Still in her long life journey walking in bumpy road with heavy trees behind her back.

She will not stop catch that cherry blossom.

Even its too far. Even others say it too late.

Even its seems impossible.

Even when she start to rethink her decision.

Even when she lost spark and forget her dream.

Come back here.

You must go on.

You have to.

CATCH THE CHERRY BLOSSOM BEFORE THE LEAVES TURNS GREEN AGAIN.

Yes, youre right.

This is not about cherry blossom

AND SO, not about a dream.

Its bigger than what youre thinking. 

It bigger than JUST A DREAM.

THE CHEERY GIRL

FIRST TIME, HELLO!

I have always love writing and reading since a little girl. Its been my long time dream to be a writer but I dont really work on it. I think, i am gonna start now. If not now, then when? But this blog just gonna be my rant and online diary. I hope to express my thoughts and feelings through writing, and I think this is the best platform to express my feelings. I hope to everyone reading this, you will not judge me. Im just here to not pay for any therapist as writing could really heal me well. Hello everyone and welcome!

Sincerely,

THE CHERRY GIRL.